The following is a guest post by Theresa Nutt.
As I continue my journey of becoming my own beloved, I have noticed something important: a theme that is really standing out for me right now is the topic of toughing it out. Too many of us have learned to ignore our feelings and other parts of our experience that are not considered acceptable (according to who, I wonder?).
Here are a few of the common symptoms of toughing it out:
- We swallow feelings and let them fester inside.
- Others treat us poorly and we don’t speak up.
- Our needs come last after everyone else is “happy” or comfortable (which never happens).
- We stop pursuing our passions and wait for a magic someday.
- Our body tries to get our attention and we just keep pushing on because there isn’t enough time. Eventually, something big happens and we suffer as a result.
- We are exhausted, but afraid to slow down or rest.
- Instead of living a unique life that speaks to us, we try to fit in and be more like others around us.
Tune In Instead Of Toughing It Out
The obvious remedy is to tune in more deeply to ourselves and our experience. There are times when the most loving thing to do is notice that life is really challenging. Or, that despite our best efforts we can’t seem to make headway.
There are not enough spiritual gymnastics in the world to help us in certain situations. And instead of admitting we are struggling or instead of asking for help when we need it the most, we start beating ourselves up using our inner critic.
What if instead of all the critic’s responses, you found yourself asking what you needed most instead of how can you tough this out?
Help Yourself First Instead of Toughing It Out
Once you tune in, you have the good fortune of knowing what you most need. Is your inner child screaming for your attention in some way? Are you in need of a supportive friend to listen or give you a hand? Do you need some time in Mother Nature to calm your mind and deepen your breathing?
And in the end, if you could just remember that the love, attention, approval, appreciation and every other thing you seek from external sources is a neon sign. The neon sign is reminding you to stop, tune into what is true for you, and love yourself more fiercely than ever before.
Written by Theresa Nutt, Closeted Creatives
This notion about what it is to be a vibrant woman continues to grow. Last week I shared the importance of embracing emotions. This week I want to focus on why it is important to speak your truth. Too many of us have been taught that it is not polite to speak our truth, that we must consider the feelings of others before our own, and if we don’t have anything nice to say we shouldn’t say anything at all. Unfortunately, this means we swallow our truth and bleed inside. Instead, speaking your truth with grace is exactly what you need to do.
“In the process of telling the truth about what you feel or what you see, each of us has to get in touch with himself or herself in a really deep, serious way.” June Jordan
What Does Speaking Your Truth Mean?
The reason I spoke about embracing your emotions first is that speaking your truth requires self awareness about how you really feel. And based on how you feel, you want to be able to respond by speaking your truth. I recently had a conversation with a friend who doesn’t believe in shamanism or energy healing and he made a sweeping statement about how it isn’t real. I was instantly hurt and felt invalidated because I have significant training in both. And sadly, in that moment I didn’t tell the truth. I did feel my feelings, but couldn’t find a way to express what I was feeling. And you know what happens next – a distance is created and a story starts to build about the other person. A story that in time can take on a life of its own and significantly impact a relationship.
In the moments we swallow our truth we do a huge disservice to ourselves and others. Let me put in a disclaimer here – I am not talking about blasting someone with your truth or lashing out in anger. We always want to make a choice to speak in a way that others can hear us. But swallowing our truth and letting it fester inside of us, often creating resentment, causes health problems and distance in our relationships. So how do we speak our truth with grace?
Speak Your Truth With Grace
Here are some tips to help you speak your truth in a way that others can hear. The goal of this practice is that you speak your truth and at the same time preserve the relationships that matter to you. Its a form of energy hygiene. Who wants to expend a bunch of energy on a conversation that happened some time ago?
- Get clear about what you are feeling first
- Take a deep breath and get grounded especially if you feel a lot of emotional charge about the topic
- Ask yourself how you can best connect with the other person
- Speak from your heart more than your head – NonViolent Communication is a great tool for these conversations
- Ask a question to get more information from the other person if you aren’t sure where to start
- Be willing to meet the person where they are
- Don’t swallow what you need to say – be willing to take the risk of speaking up
- Stay present with yourself throughout the conversation so you can be clear about what needs to happen next for you
- Have a process in place for working through your emotions or triggers when the conversation is over
More musing from the stillness. Here I am still submerged in stillness, softness, and surrender. I am embracing fully that I am love. I am letting so many things that are not working about my life dissolve and fall away (sometimes gracefully and other times as humanly as one could expect – kicking and screaming of course). And I am realizing that I have a strong need to know.
Listen, I will not sit here and pretend I am not a class A control freak. I will not pretend that I don’t care about how things turn out. And at the same time, as everything I have always tried is no longer working the way it has all these years, it seems wise to stop moving. When in quicksand, the quickest way to avoid sinking is to stop moving.
Here’s the tricky part. A lot of us have been lead to believe that we need to have a plan, have our lives all figured out, and need to know where we are going. So over time we lose our ability to trust the Universe (or whatever your name for the bigger order of life is). What if we have been doing it all wrong all these years? What if its so much simpler than we ever thought possible?
All You Need To Know
In the end, I am realizing that the truth is the deepest part of us has always known. We come into this lifetime hardwired to live a life of meaning and purpose. And our incessant need for control takes us further and further away from what it is we came here to do.
Control is slippery, it comes in a number of formats that you might not recognize. Here’s a sampling of the common forms:
- Constantly staying busy
- Constantly taking care of others and pleasing others
- Always having a plan (also checklists, 100 things to do each day, a fear of too much downtime, etc.)
- Needing to know the outcome before starting down a path (aka fear of failure and disappointing others)
- Not following inner impulses and intuition because you don’t know where it leads
- Always trying to figure out your life and why you are the way you are
- Making sure to do things a certain “right” way
- Striving to be more and have more
- Can you imagine the immense freedom you would feel if you learned to trust that your deepest inner being was programmed to help you reach your destiny. Without fail?
Take a deep breath and really let that sink in. It’s the truth I am sitting with as I write today.
Trusting That All You Need To Know Is Here
In the past week, I have leaned into some pretty big wounds and pain patterns in my life. And at times it has felt like, “Are you kidding me?! This again?” Because I have been doing the work for 20 years now and I am about ready to be done with these yammering monkeys on my back. I know you feel me.
Here’s the difference. I am finally leaning all the way in to the pain and the wounds without needing a distraction. There is nothing easy about facing the truth. Distractions are readily available in our society for the express purpose of preventing us from reaching the greater truth.
I finally realize facing the truth is the path to freedom.
Your deepest longings, your greatest pains, and your biggest wounds are the lighthouse to your greatest gifts to this world. But you have to be willing to ride right into the eye of the storm with the darkness and pain while fully exploring the landscape. How many times have we heard, “The truth will set you free?” And how many times have we assumed we knew what that meant when in reality we were just paying lip service?
Your willingness to live through what you have in your lifetime has given you the exact gifts you need to touch the hearts of others. And a very deep part of you knew it all along. Time to sit back and cultivate your awareness of all the gold you have been mining through the darkest days.
All You Need To Know Is Already Inside You
If life is for you and your deepest self knows exactly what you are programmed to do in this lifetime, can you rest knowing it is all unfolding perfectly? This is the truth the stillness has created in me this week.
I am choosing to stop wriggling unnecessarily, to stop worrying about what’s next or how I will get there, and to stop asking what is wrong with me. None of these questions are helpful and yet, how many of us spend time asking these questions while demanding answers that we think should set us free? And in the end, we feel more confused, defeated, overwhelmed, and unable to trust.
If you have been to a water park, you know about the “lazy river” attractions. If not, the lazy river is designed so you can’t help but be pulled along gently by the moving water. Imagine aligning so fully with your deepest self, who already knows what your destiny is and exactly how to get you there, that you get to just float on the lazy river. Because when you stop moving and filling your life with busyness and a million forms of control, the deep natural order will take you to your deepest desires. Your satisfaction and fulfillment are 100% guaranteed.
Resources On The Journey To All You Need To Know
I am asking some different questions and using some different resources to navigate this time in my life. Here are a few that might really support you.
First, Kelly Canull is a soul coach who absolutely has a handle on navigating the deeper path and her podcast is changing my life. Check out her work here.
Second, my coach recommended a book that is revolutionizing the way I am thinking about my life. That book is titled Being You, Changing the World. It will teach you how to embrace fully who you truly are and stop looking outside yourself for answers.
Third, here’s a great article about surrendering the need for control called Let Go of Control.
in breath of creativityPlease leave a comment about how you are going to start living your life knowing that you already know all you need to know.
And if you would like the support of other women who are on the transformation journey to become vibrant. imaginative. unforgettable. join the Closeted Creatives Coaching Facebook group.
Written by Theresa Nutt, Closeted Creatives
How many weeks have I been in the stillness? I am approaching more than 5 weeks and feeling ever so antsy to get on with my life! As it turns out though, it is not time to leap into anything new right now. Which leads me to this discussion about caring if I am feeling good.
How many of you wait for that magic someday?
- when the stars have aligned
- your to do list is complete
- everything makes sense
- you know exactly what to do with your life
- you have transformed some more of your patterns and demons
- and everyone in your life is happy and fulfilled
Forgive my sarcasm, because this is written as much for me as anyone. So often we delay feeling good and live a lot in the past or future.
Feeling Good Is Possible Right Now!
One of the gifts of this time of stillness is the realization that when I love everything that arises in my life, I have the choice to feel good right now. When I no longer need the conditions to be different or my reactions to be different, I have a lot of freedom in each moment. I have permanently given up any need to change or fix anything about myself. Each moment is joyful and if I can’t immediately find the joy, it is easy to embrace the feeling I am having and make a choice about how I want to feel.
I read the book years ago, “How Much Joy Can You Stand?” during one of my periods of devouring all self help materials. I think at the time I really did want to find happiness and joy, but I thought it existed outside of me. When I had the right job, relationships, car, house, etc. I was going to have more joy than I would know what to do with! But lasting joy never came.
Right now in my life when I have no certainty at all, I am realizing that I have more joy than I ever thought possible. What made this shift possible? Tuning into every moment as it is and loving whatever is arising in me without conditions.
What Can Matter More Than Feeling Good?
If you think of yourself as a Divine being who is perfect, whole and complete. And if you realize that you are loved just because you exist. What could possibly be more important than feeling good in each moment?
It’s actually that simple. So you can breathe deeply and stop waiting. Your perfect moment is right now, and right now, and right now.
I heard Sadhguru speak this past weekend in Minneapolis and I was struck deeply by something he said (roughly paraphrased of course).
“We spend too much time trying to be a good person. That implies others are not as good. But if we spend our time being a joyful person what better gift to the world can we be?”
It is a fitting statement for this time in my personal evolution. I have made so many decisions based on what I thought was good or right. I have rarely made decisions based on what brings me joy in each moment. And when we are joyful we are naturally more willing to connect with others, be generous, share love, shine and use our gifts in the world. Here’s a look at his new book if this idea resonates with you.
Practices For Feeling Good
Here are a few practices I know for feeling good in each moment.
- Celebrate everything that arises in you – every thought, emotion, impulse. If you want a structure to help you do it, it can look like this: I am so good at feeling/thinking/doing __________________! I am so incredibly good at feeling/thinking/doing/_____________________! I cannot believe how good I am at feeling/thinking/doing_____________________!
- Start loving yourself exactly where you are with whatever conditions are present in your life right now.
- Start practicing the intention of wanting to feel good in every moment.
- Have gratitude for all that is going right in your life.
I can’t think of anything more important than feeling good right now and maintaining a high vibration all the time. That is the essence of who we are anyway – energy beings. And might I add pretty amazing, fantastical, damned good looking, and playful ones! Enjoy this earth journey. It will be short and I want you to celebrate every minute of it.
Ready to have support to become a vibrant. imaginative. unforgettable. woman? Join the Facebook group Closeted Creatives Coaching where other creatives are gathering for inspiration and support. Not mention a place to share the unexpected and fantastical stuff that lights you up!
Written by Theresa Nutt, Transformational Coach – Closeted Creatives Coaching
During difficult transitions such as divorce, it’s so easy for women to let their imagination create “worse case” scenarios. But imagination can take you to so many more life-affirming places. An imaginative woman first and foremost knows she is unique. She is done trying to fit in or be more like everyone else. She is ready to take the journey of shedding all the layers she has put on to be small, make others safe, and fit into anyone else’s definition of who she should be in the world.
Let’s start with me. I have enjoyed fantasy and the fantastical since I was a small child. And I love the unicorn that shows up in my fairy drawings. His name is Max. So while I was in France for my coaching intensive and photo shoot, I went for it. I created pictures with a gorgeous white horse that I knew would later be transformed into my unicorn, Max. I could ask myself how at 43 I still believe in and am turned on by the magical and mystical. I could tell myself to grow up and get a grip. But instead, I went all in and totally brought my vision of the Magical Max to life. And I could not be happier! I can’t tell you how it feels to see these pictures comes to life and know I helped create them in real time.
Celebrate What Makes You Unique
It’s that easy to stop apologizing and start shining what makes you unique in the world. Anything worth doing involves risk – how many times have we heard this. And being unique will involve taking the risk to shine what makes you different into the world with pride. I guarantee you I am not childish. I know how to pay my bills, take care of the people and things I love, and chase my dreams at the same time. The same is true for you.
It’s time to stop:
- Being small
- Fitting in
- Worrying about everyone else’s perspectives and advice
- Apologizing for who you are
- Letting your light completely go out
Claim Your Uniqueness Imaginative Woman!
Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you discern what makes you uniquely you.
- What makes my heart sing?
- What do I spend time doing without realizing how much time has passed?
- What am I dying to create in the world that just keeps nudging me on the shoulder?
- If I wasn’t worried about what anyone else thought, how would I show up in the world?
- What are the no brainer ways I love to spend time, money, and energy?
The thing about what makes you unique is that you might know it too well because it is automatic. Take some time to write it down and get clear about it. Then celebrate that stuff! Shine it out in the world! Stop living a snooze fest because you are meant for so much more!!