I always considered myself to be a strong person, except when it came to relationships. In my everyday life, I would speak up if I didn’t agree with something or walk away from things that didn’t seem right. In the dating world, not so much. I was basically a “yes” person. Whatever my date wanted to do or wherever he wanted to go, I agreed, even if I wanted something else. I always seemed to choose the guy I knew wasn’t really that interested in me, while saying no to the ones who were. It’s was almost like I didn’t feel I deserved to be treated well or be happy.
By the time I met my husband, I had sorted out some of the inaccuracies in my behavior, although still not quite believing I deserved happiness.
Later in our marriage, we hit a major speed bump. He had addictions that were consuming him and had little time for me. Every day brought something that we couldn’t agree on and it always felt like I was walking on egg shells. I would try to share my feelings, but it seemed I could never say them right. I’d walk away feeling I was in the wrong yet again.
Even though I didn’t want to be around him anymore, I stayed. I wore our friends and family who listened to my woes and told me to leave him. Perhaps the complaining, although negative, was my way of getting the attention I wasn’t getting from my husband. Someone told me I was a strong person. Was I? I seemed strong enough to stay but not strong enough to leave someone who was causing me such unhappiness and stress.
Eventually, he was able to receive help and overcome most of his addictions. However, in my mind, one addiction remained, but in his mind, it did not. This left me more frustrated, angry and sad. Would I ever let myself be happy?
While wandering around the house one day feeling extremely unhappy, my voice showed up. I was able to communicate to him precisely how I felt. This time he listened. A weight had come off my shoulders and it felt wonderful. At last, I was able to start sweeping away the eggshells.