Choices

For a period of time after my divorce I chose to stay miserable and broke. That way I could angrily point a finger at my ex and say, “See what he did to me! Can you believe what he’s done to me!”

Then one night I was suddenly woken up from a deep sleep and heard a clear, strong voice declare, ”That’s not acceptable, Buck-o!” And that certainly got my attention! I realized I had been making a choice to be miserable, and now it was time for me to make a different choice.

Paraphrasing Lily Tomlin…”I always wanted to be someone….and now I know I should have been more specific.”

This was my chance to be specific, but where would I begin? I no longer knew who I was and had no idea how to find myself. The thought of not finding myself broke my heart. Where does someone go to find themselves? Shopping for new clothes and a great pair of shoes is fun, but they just decorate the outside. What about the inside, my spirit, my voice? It turned out to be the small things that brought me back to myself. Journaling, taking a walk, visiting with friends who believed in me and reminded me I was cherished. It was returning to my love of horses. Horseback riding had helped me survive being a shy high school girl, and it did the same for me now. I also learned to be patient. I was on my way home to myself. It would be a life long journey, and possibly, if it wasn’t for the divorce, a journey I might have never begun.