Written by Ellie Peterson, MeditativeMovements.com
Imagine yourself at the beach, leisurely sunning yourself. All of a sudden, your son yells out. “My mom is thirty, does anyone want to marry her?” Pulling the towel over your head, digging a hole in the sand and climbing in, and yelling out that this child is a neighbor and doesn’t belong to you are a few possibilities when dealing with children who want you to date. Allowing your children to freely roam the streets, claiming you as their mother, poses a unique problem in the dating scene. What to do?
First you need to find Mr. Right. The children figure you did a terrible job choosing your first husband, so you need all the help you can when looking for a second one. They are eager to aid you in this search.
A popular technique is called “kick in the shins.” The child combs the grocery store looking at men’s fingers hoping to find an eligible one. When one is found, the child examines the potential victim. An acceptable suitor, in a child’s eye, is anyone who can push a grocery cart and walk at the same time. The child walks up to said man, kicks him in the shins and meekly says, “Oh, you probably want to meet my single mother and tell her what I did.” Pointing, he says, “She’s right over there.” This now angry, bruised man is so disgusted he vows never to date anyone with children and gives you the finger and a few nasty words about being a lousy parent.
If the children’s plans for finding a date for you fail, you will need to answer an ad in the Skyway News. These ads tell about your date while allowing you to be as inconspicuous as possible. Your date becomes suspicious when you only allow him to call you at work, and never let him pick you up at home. When you determine that he knows you are your own person then it’s time to meet your children.
Invite your date over for dessert. The best time is ten minutes prior to the children’s normal bed time.
When the man comes in, he is met by three scrutinizing children. Your potential date is immediately surrounded by these three children, each holding a note pad while making comments about his clothes, lack of hair and pot belly. Rush over to date, and state that they are really using this information for a research paper about men’s fashions.
Next introduce your children. After they are introduced, the oldest child hands your date a questionnaire saying, “We need to know a little about you. Please answer all questions honestly. We will give you five minutes to complete it.”
Following is a sample questionnaire:
Reasons you are dating our mother: _____________________________
Previous relationships: Name each please: _________ ,_________ ,_________ ,
Monthly Income: ____________________________________________
Career Goals: _______________________________________________
Essay Question: If your marry our mom, what do you have to offer her children?
I swear that all the above information is accurate to the best of m ability.
Date: ________________ Signature: ______________________
A popular response after receiving the questionnaire is that said date crumbles the paper as he walks out the door.
However, if your date is well-humored or drunk, he accepts the questionnaire.
Upon completion of the questionnaire and some dessert, it’s time to put the children to bed. Make sure that all three go to bed at the same time. The reason is that while you put two to bed, the third child is out talking with date and you have no knowledge or control over the conversations.
Imagine that you have put two children to bed. The third has been sharing his life with your date. As you pass the living, calling your son to come and get ready for bed, you hear him ask your date, “Well, are you sleeping over tonight?” If this unfortunate situation takes place, lie down with your third child, snoring loudly. Stay there until your date figures you fell asleep and leaves.