Rediscovering the Holidays

One of the many privileges of my journey has been working alongside Barb Greenberg, the visionary founder of Rediscovering U. Barb is not only a gifted and award-winning author, but she also brings a deep well of compassion and insight to her work. This holiday season, she has graciously offered to share a poignant blog post she wrote about navigating the holidays post-divorce. I am honored to present this piece as a beacon of hope and inspiration for women experiencing similar challenges. Please feel free to share this with anyone who might benefit from its encouragement during this time. – Patricia

Dedication

To the women who share their stories, who encourage and support each other, who share tears and laughter and lift each other up, and who inspire me with their courage and determination to heal and Rediscover themselves.

Introduction

Holidays have a unique power in our lives. They create space for celebrating what is sacred to us and for marking the passage of time with ritual and meaning.  They offer the opportunity to stop and reflect, to express gratitude, create new memories, and be with those we love.

Whether you are approaching, experiencing, or moving forward from divorce, holidays can magnify your loss, and the pain you feel can be heart wrenching.  Time does heal, but often it takes much longer than we’d like.

May the information you find in these pages help you replace heart-ache with joy, loneliness with true friendship, and ease your journey to healing.

Rediscover Meaning

When we think of holidays, it is often vibrant visions of Christmas that appear:   mouthwatering meals, laughter, singing, and family gathered around a Christmas tree lovingly decorated with ornaments twinkling with special memories.

I have to confess that being Jewish, our family Christmas eve tradition was going to a movie and then out for Chinese food, so clearly my deep emotional connection is not to Christmas.

For me the rich traditions of Passover are most intricately woven into my heart, including  the mouthwatering meals, laughter, singing, and a Passover table lovingly set with my grandmother’s dishes gleaming with special memories.

Whatever the holiday, divorce can make you feel as if a wrecking ball  has demolished a landmark building you thought would  withstand the test of time and leaves you with one more thing to grieve.  When the dust settles, you have the opportunity to rebuild this space, but trying to recreate what once had been, feels forced and false.

How do you find what feels true and honest?  How do you find a way to honor the past and still move forward?

The process begins with reevaluating what the holiday means to you on a spiritual level. As you grow and change, the message of the holiday will develop and deepen, and you always have the opportunity to reflect and reevaluate it’s significance.

Questions for Reflection

What about this holiday resonates with me?

What insights does it ask me to search out?

What gifts does it offer?

What message does it bring into my life?

Discussing these questions with my children, what have I learned from their answers?

Rediscover Traditions

Once you have more clarity about the meaning of a holiday, it becomes easier to decide which traditions you want to continue and what new traditions you’d like to create. 

New traditions can be as symbolic as lighting special candles, as meaningful as volunteering to serve those less fortunate, or as light-hearted as putting plastic bowls on your children’s head and letting them march are the house (we’ve done that!)

I have a friend who so enjoys the freedom to create new ways to celebrate that her tradition is now to try a different tradition each year!

You may be furious right now.  “What do you mean, NEW traditions?  Everything in my life is changing, and you want me to change this too?  I don’t think so!!”

You may feel  like a failure. “It’s my responsibility to keep things from falling apart, and not maintaining holiday traditions would be one more thing I’m failing at.”

Then there is the trap we all fall into: “I have to things a certain way, because that is the way they’ve always been done.”

I, too, felt furious, trapped, and like a failure until one day I sensed my Grandmother and Great Grandmother smiling down on me, and I understood that by blending what had meaning from my past with what has meaning for my future, I would create something meaningful for myself and my children.

This can be quite a challenge if you are sharing custody of children and can not always be with them on the exact date of a holiday. Please remember, any day can become sacred and blessed if you allow it to be.

Celebrate with your children a week or two prior to the exact holiday date, while the anticipation is still high. Choose a special day to bake cookies together or go to a holiday show. The possibilities of activities you can do together are endless, and the memories you create will be priceless.

Then develop a tradition for yourself on the actual holiday.   Be with friends or family.  Do something comforting and healing that will ease your stress and bring you peace.

Questions for Reflection

What traditions do I want to maintain?

What new traditions will I begin?

Which traditions will I bend together?

Discussing this with my children, what have I learned from their insights and ideas?

What will I do when my children are not with me for a holiday?

Rediscover Family

When relatives invite you to celebrate a holiday with them, by all means go if it feels safe. Let yourself be supported, hugged, clucked over and waited on, while your children play with cousins, snuggle with grandparents, or pester a favorite aunt.

In some situations it doesn’t feel safe to celebrate with family. If this is the case for you, respect yourself and your intuition and politely decline any invitation you may receive. You can say something as simple as, “Thank you for your kind invitation, but I don’t feel ready.”

If your family persist, as families sometimes do, simply repeat the same sentence.  You don’t have to justify yourself or make excuses.

You may plan to go to a friend’s house, or find a good book or movie, or simply sit on the sofa and eat ice cream.

If you enjoy having company for the holidays, invite people over.  If this sounds good, but also sounds like too much work, or you are worried it will be too expensive, make the celebration a potluck and take the pressure off yourself.

And don’t worry if your home doesn’t look perfect.  One thing divorce teaches us, is that perfect is over-rated.

 Questions for Reflection

How can I enrich my time with family?

What are the most challenging things about being with family, and how do I choose to handle them?

What do my children enjoy the most about begin with family?

What friends feel like family, and what can I do to develop that bond?

Rediscover Gratitude

We all show our gratitude in different ways. A dear friend was grateful she had survived her divorce and wanted to do something special for her supportive friends. Since she’s already had a bridal shower, she decided to give herself a divorce sprinkle!

If you can’t feel grateful right now, that’s just fine. It’s vital to honor all your emotions, not just the shiny pretty ones, but those that are the deeper, darker  shades. Acknowledging emotions is the first step to healing them, and it is a powerful and respectful gesture to yourself.

Keep things simple.  Be grateful you haven’t lost your mind and can still speak in complete sentences when absolutely necessary.  Be grateful you are only going through one box of Kleenex a day instead of three.

Begin to notice moments of comfort: a call from a dear friend that lifts your spirits, the cat curled up on your lap, the pattern of the sunshine through the window.  Begin to record these in a journal.  With time your list will grow, your gratitude will deepen, and your heart will heal.

Questions for Reflection

What difficult emotion am I dealing with?

What is this emotion teaching me?

What three things am I grateful for today?

Rediscover Calm

When divorce takes up so much time and energy, the demands of a holiday season can be overwhelming.  Rushing from one thing to the next can become a competition. ”Oh, you think you’re busy?!  Well let me tell you about my day!”  It can also become a socially acceptable addiction, because by staying busy you can avoid emotional pain, at least for a short time.

We believe if we don’t keep moving, things will fall apart, but things are more likely to fall apart if we don’t stop.  Plus, what is wrong with a little falling apart. “Holding it together” is often overrated.  And what falls apart eventually comes back together in a healthier, more brilliant form.

Prioritize and reflect on what you truly value.  Hopefully your health is on the top of the list.  You don’t have to go to open houses or bake cookies unless, of course, that brings you joy.  Your laundry doesn’t have to be folded just right, or depending on your tolerance level, even be folded at all. You do not have to complete every errand on your list immediately. I remember getting into my car,  driving four blocks, turning around and going back home.  It was just too much. I had to stop.

When you stop, your life can catch up with you.  In the  long run you are able to get more done and stay healthier at the same time. Your stress level drops.  You make better decisions, because you can process information more effectively.  And you can hear hear your intuition more clearly when it whispers to you.

Your spirit will rejoice that you have honored, respected and cherished yourself.

Questions for Reflection

What activities are truly of value to me?

What activities can I do less of, or take out of my schedule completely?

How and when will I will take time for myself?

Rediscover Your Self

Do you judge yourself by what you accomplish, by your job, your possessions, or your marital status?  That doesn’t work very well, does it!

Do you buy a great pair of shoes, because they make you feel fabulous. ( I’m all for that!). But do you wonder what happens when you eventually have to take them off?

Self-esteem is not what you do, or what you wear. Your value, your feelings of self-worth and fabulousness, are inside jobs.  You need to look inside yourself to find these things.  Even dissolving the feelings of loneliness is an inside job.   You already know this, but aren’t you sometimes just so frigging tired of personal growth!

So, once again, keep it simple. Journal, walk, work with a therapist, talk with trusted friends, be in nature, be still, meditate, find healing places. Most of all, be compassionate with yourself.

Rediscovering Meaning, Traditions, Family, Gratitude, and Calm is not just for holidays, but for every day you choose to enrich your life.

Divorce has thrust you onto a road that will lead you back to yourself.  Let all you rediscover guide and support you on the journey into your heart where healing is waiting.

Questions for Reflection

What activities will I incorporate into my life to support me on my journey?

How will I show compassion for myself?

As I journey into my heart, how will I choose to honor and celebrate my healing?