Healing the Death of a Dream

Excerpt from The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection, Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner

When our dreams die, we owe them recognition in their passing. Until we grieve the death of our dreams, we will have difficulty creating a new vision or dream for ourselves. If this rings true, here are some suggestions for grieving and healing the loss of dreams.

Be honest and name the dream

Be specific about the dream you’ve lost. Keeping this dream a secret will only delay your healing.

Educate your friends

Let your friends know the nature of your grief. You may want to clarify that you’re not necessarily grieving because you miss your narcissistic partner.

Tell your story

We all need to metabolize our grief by telling our story and having it witnessed by people we trust.Just because you may get bored with your story, don’t assume that others are bored. We can also express our story both verbally and creatively through art or journaling or even music.

Create safety

Create a sanctuary for yourself where you can feel at ease. While you’re grieving the loss of dreams, be gentle with yourself and be careful of putting yourself in situations that are too stressful or that may trigger your pain.

Borrow hopefulness

While we’re grieving, it may be difficult to experi­ ence optimism or hope for our future. Friends, thera­ pists, relatives, or even coaches are people available who can be the “container” for our optimism. These are people who can oftentimes foresee a better life for you even when you cannot and you can dip into their hopefulness when you need a boost. Our challenge is to reach out to others for this support.

Keep dreaming

Ifyou’ve ever lost a dream that was precious to you, then the phrase “dare to dream” makes sense. To put your heart and soul around another dream may feel daunting. Yet humans are hardwired with the ability and the need to have visions and dreams. Slowly allow yourself to think about, write, or draw a vision for yourself that embodies your deepest longing.

Gain perspective

Perspective is our ability to see the whole picture of our existence instead of focusing on the aspects that don’t work. If you’ve been in a personal or professional relationship with a narcissist, your perspective becomes so skewed that joy and gratitude become absent from your life. Through volunteering, getting involved in some service project, and beginning a daily gratitude ritual, you can learn to see the totality of your life rather than only the pain and sorrow.

In any abusive relationship, there are dreams that keep us hanging on to an illusion. There’s the vision of “One day he’ll realize how awful he’s been,” or the dream that “She’ll finally get help and we’ll have a happy family.” Perhaps we’ve lived in these dreams so long that we refused to accept our reality and thus have tolerated unacceptable and abusive behavior. But consider that it’s not our dreams that were amiss; it’s our insis­tence that they were attainable despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Keep in mind that with a narcissist, one gets tremendous assistance in keeping these fantasies alive. After all, what feeds a narcissist is instilling in us the belief that if we were just more loving, understanding, beautiful, or intelligent, they wouldn’t have to be so offensive.

Before you vow never to let yourself dream, remember that our dreams also generate the hope and optimism that moti­ vate many folks just to get out of bed in the morning! Even though partners of narcissists live in the midst of cruelty and neglect, for many there are children to take care of, bills to pay, and money to be earned. Instead of cursing ourselves for being so foolish, consider that if it weren’t for our dreams, we may have collapsed a long time ago.

The dreams we’ve held about our relationship were pre­ cious to us. While it would be wonderful to wish these dreams away, they don’t easily disappear. Instead of shaming our­selves, a more effective and compassionate way to let go is to acknowledge both the price we’ve paid for holding on as well as the gifts we’ve received. Although identifying a gift might sound strange, please understand that we hold on to our illusions because it gives us something. Your dreams may have provided you with hope during very dark times or even a purpose or direction to your life. Once we’ve recognized these aspects of our dream, we’re ready to do our healing. Dr. Angeles Arrien, a cross-cultural anthropologist, teaches us that in letting go, it’s important to create some ceremony that marks an ending of an era and a new beginning.

Over the years, I’ve assisted many men and women in letting go of their dreams. I ask them to write down their dreams and encourage them to talk about their regrets, the consequences for holding on, and what gift their dream gave them. When they’re done, they create a ceremony where they may decide to bury the dream, bum it, or even put the dream in a helium balloon and let it go. As ridiculous as this may sound, the relief that people feel and the emergence of compassion that replaces the shame has always moved me. The worksheet on page 252 gives you a chance to explore these important aspects and begin the process of letting go.