Have you become comfortable dating after your divorce? Are you interested but anxious about dating? Are you thinking, “No way!” I’m content being single! Whatever you are thinking or feeling, this episode will give you hope and make you laugh. It will help you recognize when you are ready to date, and how having a good relationship with yourself creates a trust and awareness that can make it easier for you to find healthy relationships and keep you safe as well. It will also provide a few dating safety tips, along with the reminder that YOU are the one who will never leave you!
*What can I do to ensure I’m ready to date?
*What qualities am I looking for in a new partner?
*Realizing that I’m the only person who will never leave me, how do I choose to honour, respect, and cherish myself?
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About the Host:
Divorced after many years of marriage, Barb Greenberg founded Rediscovering U, a company that provides education, support, and resources for women transitioning through a divorce and into a new life. She and her company have been recognized for “…creating equality, justice, and self-determination for women…” She is an award-winning author of 3 books, Hope Grew Round Me, After the Ball: A Woman’s Tale of Happily Ever After, and The Seasons of Divorce: Insights for Women in Transition. Her books are available at a special price for you at https://rediscoveringu.com/divorce-sponsors/books/
Visit https://rediscoveringu.com to learn more!
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Hello, and welcome to rediscovering you where you will find valuable insights, support and education to help you move through the difficult and often painful process of divorce with grace and courage and hope, and find the ultimate gift of rediscovering yourself. I'm your host, Mark Greenberg, award winning author and founder of rediscovering you. If I'd had access to a resource like this during my divorce, I would have not felt so isolated, I would have made much better decisions, I still would have breathed for that for so hard for so long. And I wouldn't have eaten so many boxes of macaroni and cheese. When women heal. Families heal. When families heal communities heal. When communities heal, the possibilities are endless. Let's get started.Barb Greenberg:
You may already be a pro at dating after divorce, and just want to hear some good stories are not so good stories about dates. Or maybe just pick up a few suggestions. Or you may be thinking, Yeah, I am so not ready to do this. Do I want to do this? I'm pretty happy being single? Or how about if the perfect person would sort of just show up at my door because this whole dating thing seems a little too scary. So I'm here to give you hope. I do know women who have reconnected to someone, like from high school, after their divorce and fallen in love. And I have friends who have met people in line and have been together for years. So that's to give you hope. And to reassure you if you have dates that don't quite turn out all that great. I will share just quickly my first post divorce date. A friend's husband asked if he could fix me up with someone he knew and asked my permission to give this person my phone number. And so I took a deep breath and said okay, okay. And the person called we had a nice conversation not thrilling, but he seemed nice, and we agreed to meet for dinner should have been coffee, oh, well live and learn, right. And he suggested a place closer to my home, which I thought was, you know, very thoughtful. I thought that was very thoughtful, then I did get a little excited. But I didn't quite know what to do. I hadn't been at a date for over 33 years. Can you believe it? So I figured well, it would be fun if nothing else, first step. So my first step was to get something to wear. Because after the divorce money was really tight. And in the past year, the My only personal purchase had been tube socks at Target. So I went to the mile mall, find something cute on sale, I found this little black skirt and check it. And I then I bought two separate tops to go with them. One was like this fun, orange and the other was like lime green. And I figured that if I had two super tux, it would look like I had two separate outfits. And I didn't think that really worked but made me feel very financially responsible. So the next step was to get a pep talk from my daughters before the date reminded me not to eat spinach or anything else that could get stuck in my teeth and show up when I smiled. They cared they cared, I love it. I love that that's the best advice. And to be sure to call when I got home. Then the big night, I got to the restaurant a little early, I put our name in to be seated. I saw this man enter the restaurant and immediately go to the bar to check check out the two much younger women there, obviously to see if one of them was me. Oh boy. And then when he did spot me, he he came over. And he immediately said, you know, I'd plan to arrive exactly on time. But there was this unexpected road construction with which thoroughly messed up my timetable. And he was like seven minutes late, and he was really upset. And I thought this is gonna be a really interesting night. So we get seated, we order and he begins to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about himself. At one point, he does start to ask me a question. Did I do any sports? And I said, Yes, I do. I do have a sport that I love. And it's riding horses, and he said, Oh, and no follow up questions at all, and then continue to talk and talk talk, but himself. Meanwhile, I thought I couldn't care less would get stuck in my teeth. No issue at all with spinach in my teeth. And then when the waitress sat down a cup of coffee he ordered he she said it down with the handle of the cup on the left side instead of the right where it usually is. Which he had a big issue with which of course, of course he would write. And then the bill came and he argued with the waitress about it until I finally said I would split it with him and he said, Okay,Barb Greenberg:
so as soon as I could I got in my car, I drove home I couldn't. I couldn't have been that disappointed because I couldn't stop giggling and when I got home and I checked in with my group I think they were more disappointed than I was. And I wondered, why did I leave? Why didn't I leave earlier? Why didn't I leave earlier, but the food was really good. And I didn't have to talk much. So it was fine. I hope this helps you know that you can survive a bad day, and they can make some good stories in the future. And I realized a few things my friends, were really eager for me to date again. I think maybe because they didn't want me to be alone or unhappy. And thought that dating and meeting somebody would, someone would make me happy. And I really appreciated their concern, but a couple of things, they thought that being alone would automatically mean I was unhappy or lonely. But as you may know, it can be painfully lonely to be in a relationship that isn't working. And it's also a little backwards or a little out of order, you first have to be happy before you go on a date, or at least content with yourself or friends with yourself, or at least understand a little bit more who you are. Because you are the only person who will never leave you. You may expect or want a new relationship to heal you. But it's the relationship with yourself that does that. So you want to be able to trust yourself, understand who you are, reconnect to yourself, I'm not saying this work is ever done. It's never ever. It's a part of your life journey. But it helps at least to be on the path right and no longer be so emotionally or energetically enmeshed with your ex. And so when you can do this, you'll be able to know what you want in a relationship. Otherwise, you can so easily end up with the same person as your ex only he has a different haircut right? Or blue eyes instead of brown. And you begin to worry that you have a bad picker. I have somebody said, she said that to me. She said, I'm always picking the wrong person, I must have a bad picker. But like no, it's just just sure who you are. And when you are when you are sure that shifts the energy and the right deal, you will be picking the right person soon. And are you not pick anyone that doesn't sit right about that. You're not fool also, you're not fooled by things that may have fooled you in the past, like Prince Charming, you'll be less vulnerable, and will notice when a relationship moves too quickly. Or that your date is too charming like that Prince. Otherwise, you may be so hungry for validation for compliments for attention, for words of love that you can easily be taken advantage of, or scammed. Instead of already knowing in your heart that you are smart, and lovely and funny and confident and all those great things. Also, you will recognize when you're asked to distance yourself from friends or family, sometimes that happens really suddenly, with someone you're dating that you don't notice it's happening right away. And this person may say, Oh, I can't live without you. And this is going to date me. But there was an old there is an old righteous brothers song. And the lyrics go something like Baby Baby, I'm not going to sing. Like you. I can't make it without you. You're my reason for living the data that added data. And I remember I was dating someone at the time, that song came out who made me feel that way. He needed me. He couldn't live without me. And it was so compelling, was such a compelling feeling to be needed like that. He couldn't make it without me. Oh my gosh, I'm so important to him. And I remember my mom saying, you know, if you can't make it without you, he can't make it with you either. Wow, of course, I ignored her at the time. But that has always stayed with me. And of course she was very right. So you will see this and avoid something like that, that can become very unhealthy and even dangerous. It will also be clear to you when you when your date discounts your opinions is not nearly as important as he is. And you'll know that that's not the case. It's really as important as he is right.Barb Greenberg:
And there are certain other patterns you'll be able to notice because you're just more aware of what you value because you've worked to heal and you've done a lot of work and you're willing to learn and you'll trust your guts. You don't have to have a reason if something doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right. I know someone who met a date for coffee, like an online person, a date for coffee and cents right away. If something was off, and she left, she didn't sit through the whole day to be nice. I don't know what she said. But she just got up and left. And I was really impressed that she did that, like, Wow, good for you. And make sure you're over your ex, which sometimes takes years to be completely over your ex. But at least you can get to a place where there's no energy or less energy connected to it, it kind of gets like, oh, yeah, him I don't like him, you know, just like Brussels sprouts. Yeah, just don't like, you know, so there's no energy to it. As your dating tips and safety, just a few little tidbits, you know, don't focus on a certain type. You look for someone with similar values as yours. I can't tell you how many times people have said that this is Nick, who are happily married, they will say I never expected to be with somebody like this was not my type at all. So I like that. Were dating online, don't focus too much on the picture. But on the bio, another friend, she said, she really liked what she read, she was going to meet this person. I don't know for coffee or somewhere she almost walked. She said, I almost walked right by him I will. I looked at this guy, my pal. That's a really good looking guy that's not here. But she walked right by, and it was he just put a really bad picture on the profile. So and that's the same whether you're, you know, dating online, or getting set up by somebody the old fashioned way, you know, pay attention to who the person is, obviously, and know the qualities you're looking for my daughters lived together. This is so funny, for a while. And when they called and they made up what they said, We made up a list on this legal pad a list of qualities we want in the ideal partner. Would you like to know what the first two qualities are? Sure, sure. They were valid driver's license and no felony record. But I wondered if they were setting the bar a little too low. And they said no, they were just covering all the bases. Obviously, there were other qualities. It was a long list, but that just cracked me up. I had my older daughter told me she'd lost the list. But after she was married, she found it when she was moving it had fallen behind a dresser or something. And her husband had all the qualities that were on her list included a valid driver's license and no felony record. Anyway, this is my favorite tip. Ask yourself if the person you're dating brings out the best in you? Do you like yourself around him? Or are you trying to make somebody love you to get to get things to work or apologizing too often? Or is that a real genuine? You know, when you're getting hassled a little bit? We have to pay attention to is this real? Or is this just words so that's back to trusting your gut again. More tips I found have fun. As lots of questions Yes. If you're not sure about things, check in with your friends and be patient if you need take a break from dating if it gets too much. And these are basic kinds of things but I'll throw them in here because you never know a little tip. Be clear in your bite if you're dating online be clear in your bio about what you're looking for don't share too much. Don't share personal emails you can either choose to have them respond on the site or create a separate email just for online dating at this tip was on every page I saw stays over stays over let friends know where you're going. Meet in a public place preferably during the day drive yourself don't share too much private information. Just makes me sad to say but don't leave food or drink on the table on attended. Don't be afraid to say no. And dating during COVID can be done. There was a gal in one of our classes who said she did it she met a wonderful person she said it can be done. So in closing don't forget to date yourself. Take time haha when you can stay connected to the love of your life. Which is you? Take time I laugh because you know who has a lot of time to do that. But when you can you stay connected to the love of your life. And that's you.Barb Greenberg:
If you have time to do things that feel your heart do them. If you have no time. Thank yourself at the end of the day for making it through the day. We could yourself in the bathroom mirror blow yourself a kiss. Take a note on the bathroom mirror. I love you or a picture that makes you smile. Author Lisa Scottoline a she's This is so funny. And she said she's been divorced twice and she does Did one day to buy herself an engagement ring. That way, she didn't have to wait for someone else to give it to her. I love the idea. It doesn't have to cost a lot. She wrote, it's just a reminder that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the person who gave it to me, for better or worse in sickness and health. I do. And she also wrote, This is wonderful. She says, What I still believe is that love is all around you. And you can't control whether you get love. But you can control whether you give it and your heart won't know the difference. Isn't that wonderful? I'm going to repeat it. What I still believe is that love is all around you. You can't control whether you get love, but you can control whether you give it and your heart won't know the difference. Love is all around you.